For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a porn star.
‘Callum!’ shouted Isaac in his booming West African trill, pointing to a sealed cardboard box on the floor. ‘Quit daydreaming. Come on. Get stacking, boy!’
I’ve been working as a part-time pharmacy assistant for a good few months now, just to earn myself a few bob while studying for my A-levels.
Basically, they’re paying me peanuts to keep the dispensary shelves stacked up with prescription drugs, ready to be shoved like dolly mixture down the throats of pill-popping old codgers to keep them docile.
My job is piss easy – a monkey could do it. Trouble is, people pay good money to see monkeys in zoos, but they won’t pay me more than £3.87 an hour because I’m not eighteen yet. Fucking bastards.
After carrying the box to the back of the pharmacy, I tore it open with a pair of scissors – inside, I found a pick ‘n’ mix of the NHS’s familiar favourites, such as Zolmitriptan, Tramadol and Warfarin. I switched into stock-rotating mode.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Porn stardom. Instead of trading Pokémon cards in school, most of my youth was spent cutting out pictures of Page 3 girls and smuggling them into class.
Typing out the word ‘BOOBS’ on a calculator became a regular habit as I started to wonder what a real pair of them felt like. It wasn’t until later I discovered they feel exactly like the silicon gel on a mouse-pad wrist-rest. Soft and squidgy.
‘How you doing, Callum?’
‘Er, just starting.’
Discovering wanking in my early teens was my real Damascene moment. It was at that moment I understood the truly defining moment of all human achievement – a raging orgasm. You can take all the school exams in the world but nothing compares to a good belly-splattering every now and again.
That’s when it really started for me. I even managed to chip my older brother’s PlayStation to play a pirated porn game where you could use your controller to perform sex acts on a blonde chick – you could even finger her snatch. It’s a million miles from squashing a mushroom in Super Mario, let me tell you that.
Naturally, being distracted by such pubescent urges meant I eventually went on to flunk my GCSE in Maths, but I left school with enough knowledge to know that 2 plus 2 equals a boner.
‘You best be halfway through that box, Callum,’ Isaac warned me. ‘You know how it is. The Devil makes work for idle hands, y’know? Chop chop!’
After many masturbatory revelations, I started shoplifting porn mags from the off licence on a regular basis. I read a book about John Holmes and the 1,001 things he did with his gargantuan cock before spoiling everybody’s fun by dropping dead of AIDS. I also learnt about how Linda Lovelace effectively turned nobgobbling into an art form.
Being a child of the internet generation, it wasn’t long before I found myself voraciously scouring the web for porn sites, absorbing each audio-visual orgasmic experience with my mouth gaping open like I was watching a fucking concerto by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.
Now I know what you’re thinking. Surely a guy with an unhealthy interest in sex who harbours aspirations of porn stardom is doomed to a life of bachelorhood?
On the contrary, I do have a girlfriend. Her name is Jade. Admittedly, I’ve not lost my virginity yet, but Jade and I have been dating for about a month and she is actually coming over to stay tonight.
My parents have kindly agreed to fuck off out of the house for the evening so I can have my wicked way with Jade and put into practice all of the tricks of the porn trade I’ve been picking up over all these years.
I hope she’s ready for it. We’ve been sexting quite a lot. She’s even got her tits out on Snapchat, so I’m guessing I’ve moistened her up enough for a night of penetrative frolicking.
I reached into the cardboard box for the next stack of pills to shelve. It was Amoxycillin – I ambled around to the ‘A’ section of the pharmacy which brought me standing shoulder to shoulder with Isaac.
‘How are things at home, Callum?’ Isaac asked, with a curious smirk.
Originally hailing from Nigeria, Isaac practically had PhDs coming out of his arse. Even if you had rigor mortis he’d probably have some idea of how to get you up on your feet again.
‘Not too bad, thanks,’ I said.
‘And how’s that girlfriend of yours?’
‘Oh, she’s great. Actually, she’s staying over my place tonight.’
Isaac laughed. ‘Lucky you! A night of passion awaits.’
I pretended to behave like a gentleman and bit my lip.
‘Here, let me give you some advice, my friend,’ Isaac said. ‘Do you want to know the secret to a long and happy relationship?’
I nodded. ‘Sure.’
‘Cucumber,’ came Isaac’s reply. ‘If you eat a whole cucumber before the act of making love, you will get a rock hard erection.’
Isaac made a gesture with his fist and his forearm.
I was intrigued.
‘Cucumber. Really? Is that what they eat in Nigeria?’
‘No,’ said Isaac. ‘My brothers and sisters don’t eat anything in Nigeria. They starve to death.’
Isaac watched my gormless expression before breaking into a beaming smile and laughing uproariously.
‘I’m just kidding with you! You white boys are so gullible.’
Picking up the prescription he was preparing, Isaac chuckled to himself before strolling out to greet an impatient old lady waiting for her beta blockers.
I started worrying again. I couldn’t help but feel a little bit nervous about sex. Even though I’m still a virgin, I’ve been doing a few things to prepare myself for my night of passion with Jade.
For the last few weeks, I’ve been tying a fishing weight to my erection and flexing my penis to build up my prostate muscles – apparently this gives you a lot of self-control at the point of ejaculation.
That said, I do have niggling doubts. Since it’ll be my first time, there’s a part of me which worries my performance won’t be as legendary as Ron Jeremy or Seymour Butts.
I knew from my porn-researching habits that some adult film stars snorted Xanax before sex scenes to help them relax and reduce anxiety. I thought maybe a similar stimulant could help me be less worried and more confident.
I have no idea what sort of legit pharmacy drugs would be of any use. Most of the prescriptions we dish out seem to lobotomise grannies like the inmates in Nurse Ratched’s ward in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, so I imagine prescription meds wouldn’t be sexual performance-enhancers.
For this reason, I decided to find myself a proper drug dealer.
After all, if cocaine made Tony Montana look so cool and so invincible in Scarface, then I guessed maybe I could do with some of that Columbian marching powder myself. I’d never tried it before, but time was of the essence.
My plan was to buy some coke and snort it up my schnoz before Jade arrived. That way, I’d be more than ready to give her a night of sweet insouciant boning she’d never forget.
I pulled a black bag out of the bin and saw Isaac return to the dispensary area. ‘I’ve just gotta throw this in the rubbish, boss,’ I said, tying a knot in the bag. ‘Be back in a sec.’
Isaac mumbled approvingly.
I walked further to the back of the pharmacy, holding the bin bag out in front of me like I was clutching the neck of a dead rabbit.
Towards the rear of the building, I exited the back door to the garden and traipsed the narrow pathway to the wheelie bin.
Throwing the bag inside, I slammed the lid down.
I looked up to see the drug dealer. I had arranged to meet him out here, and he was staring at me from behind the mesh fence, smoking a roll-up cigarette.
I gulped. I was so nervous I could feel my kneecaps rattling like maracas in a salsa bar.
‘Listen,’ the dealer said. ‘I got your message.’ He took a puff on his ciggie. ‘So what is it you want?’
‘Err, I dunno really,’ I replied, my voice quavering. ‘Some lines…of Charlie? That’s what you call it, right?’
‘You want coke?’
‘Er, yeah, I think so… It-It-It makes you less nervous, right?’
The dealer shrugged. ‘Depends. What’s the occasion again? You said it was a date with someone, right?’
‘Yeah, I’m losing my virginity and I… want to be really good at it.’
Once I said this, I felt a bit embarrassed, but the dealer’s icy demeanor seemed to thaw a little at my honesty. ‘I see,’ he said. ‘Well, I’ve got just the thing. It’ll cost you though…’
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘How much do you want?’
The dealer stood silently. ‘Let’s call it 50 quid,’ he replied.
I grabbed for my wallet and handed him some notes, my fingers tremoring.
In one swift movement, the dealer’s hand slipped through the gap in the mesh and swiped the money out of my fingers in the blink of an eye.
I looked down at my outstretched palm. Somehow, as if by sleight of hand, the dealer had replaced the notes with a transparent bag of white powder and a tiny glass vial of clear-to-yellowish liquid. I closed my fingers into a fist.
‘If it’s euphoria you’re after, trust me bruv, that’ll do it…’ he said, tapping his nose. ‘Sniff some of that stuff and you’ll be proper on it.’
‘Is it cocaine?’
‘Not quite. Better for you, I think. Let’s just say kids like you see this stuff as a rite of passage nowadays. Everybody’s doing it.’
‘Wow. Thanks,’ I said. ‘What about this glass thing?
‘Be careful with that,’ he added. ‘The less you know about it, the better. It’s a liquid, so you’ll need to empty it into a can of Pepsi or summat. Then drink it.’
‘And what does it do?’
‘Gets rid of any hang-ups. Gets rid of stress. You’ll ‘ave a good time on it. If you take it at the same time as the powder it’ll be one hell of a party.’ The dealer was unwilling to stick around for longer than he absolutely had to. ‘Anything else?’
I shook my head.
‘Well, that’s done then,’ he replied.
‘Pleasure doing business with you.’
‘Any time, man. Have a good night.’
I opened my fingers slightly and peeked at the vial of liquid held in my palm.
‘Laters, dawg,’ I found myself saying, though I’m really not sure why. Street slang isn’t exactly my strong suit.
The dealer shook his head as he walked away, leaving me slightly entranced by the vial, in little doubt that such a small thing would make a big difference.
Having now acquired the drugs, I couldn’t shake off Isaac’s advice about the cucumber, so I decided to buy one after work.
There was a 2-for-1 special offer on cucumbers in the supermarket, so I threw both of them in my shopping basket. I found it hard to imagine that an elongated, cylindrical culinary vegetable could help me get a stonk on, but if it’s good enough for the Nigerians, then it’s damn well good enough for me.
After all, the drugs might help get rid of the nerves, but if eating a cuke ensures my little chap is standing to attention, that’d only add to my sexual prowess. With that and the drugs I’d be taking, I’d be all set. This was going to be a doddle. My first real test as an aspiring porn star was upon me.
I arrived home with not a lot of time left to prepare. This house was empty so I was pleased to see Mum and Dad got the hint.
I didn’t hang about. I went straight into the kitchen, pulled one of the cucumbers out of my 5p carrier bag and immediately took a huge bite.
The cuke was tougher than I expected, its dark green skin crunching loudly as my incisors bit into it.
The taste almost made me retch, but I forced myself to continue.
Drips of pale, watery green gunk soon started to drip down my chin.
Feeling less like a vegetable and more like a coarse hunk of rubber, it slithered over my tongue as I gagged on its green waxen flesh, a slimy residue coating my teeth with an acrid biofilm.
I starting biting into the shaft speedily like I was taking part in a Bushtucker Trial, munching on it like a parrot pecks at a millet spray.
I was pretty sure you’re not supposed to binge on cucumber like this, but Isaac did say I had to eat a whole one.
Cucumber juice kept dripping over my fingers, its bitter taste sloshing in my palette as bits of stray skin lodged between my teeth.
I kept eating until I belched. By this point I’d hit my limit. I’d eaten pretty much three quarters of a cucumber. Surely that’d be enough. I didn’t think I could stomach any more. Such a ghastly vegetable.
I picked up a can of Coke and pressed ahead with the next stage of my plan.
Reaching into my pocket, I took out the vial of liquid, unfastened the lid, and poured the mysterious solution into the can.
Unsure how long it’d take to mix, I knew I didn’t have much time, so I put it to my lips.
I glugged back a few mouthfuls quickly, if only to get rid of the awful bitter tang of cucumber clinging onto my taste buds, but the Coke tasted a bit saltier than usual.
I checked the time. Jade was due to be here at any minute.
Hastily, I ripped open the bag of white powder and arranged it into a neat line on the kitchen worktop.
I took a deep breath. Then I leaned over and snorted it up my nose.
It had an odd aroma, like a mix of lemon-lime, salt and ammonia, hitting the back of my nasal cavity like a nail bomb of mica flakes.
I half-sneezed. Grasping the can, I downed the remainder of the drink and tried to douse the burning sensation at the back of my throat, even though I couldn’t even tell exactly what had caused it.
With the vague taste of cucumber lingering and the bridge of my nose feeling numb from the powder, I knew I was as ready as I’d ever be. All I needed to do now was wait for this bizarre cocktail to work its magic.
I heard the doorbell ring. Bang on time.
Jade was standing in the doorway as I opened the front door. She smiled at me. ‘Hey babe,’ she said.
‘Hi, sexy,’ I said. I already felt a little giddy and emboldened by the drugs, and I could already sense my nether regions were being induced into a merry dance of hormones.
Jade was a blonde, rather curvy girl, a size or two up from a perfect ten which is pretty much my type if you were judging me by my most-watched RedTube videos.
Jade tilted her head to one side. ‘Are you going to let me in or what?’
I nodded. ‘Come on in,’ I said. ‘Are you thirsty?’
Jade made her way indoors and took off her coat.
‘Oh yeah, actually, I could murder a cup of tea.’
‘You don’t take milk, do you?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t have any milk in the house. I’m lactose intolerant.’
‘We have cans of Coke though.’
‘Coke will be fine.’
I got Jade a Coke and we did that usual chit-chat bullshit girls seem to adore so much. I won’t bore you with the details but I sparked off enough of a conversation so that it made her feel as though I gave a shit about anything other than sex.
It wasn’t long, however, before I gestured her to my bedroom. It was almost time for business. Cucumber plus drugs equals impending sexual ecstasy. Tonight marks the start of my new career in porn. I couldn’t wait.
I tried to make the bedroom romantic and all that shit. I lit some stinky Tibetan candles and stuck on a bit of Florence + The Machine on the CD player to set the mood.
Jade immediately knew what she was letting herself in for from the moment she stepped in the bedroom. She stared at me vampishly and approached me with ‘fuck me’ eyes.
She pressed her tits against me and kissed me tenderly on the lips at first. Then she slipped her tongue between my teeth as she felt both of our hearts begin to race.
Things got frantic pretty fast. I ran my fingers through her hair as we snogged; and in no time at all, her hands drifted down to my groin area, rubbing my already-stiff cock as they pressed against my jeans.
Best I return the favour, I thought. Feeling considerably giddy now from the drugs, I eagerly undid the zipper of her skinny jeans and slipped my finger through her fly and past the lining of her knickers.
I fumbled around the nook of her genitalia until I located the wet lip of her clit.
Relieved I managed to find the right hole, I massaged it as we kissed.
Jade’s breathing grew heavy. ‘God, I’m so wet,’ she said, gazing at me amorously, the look of romance in her eyes.
‘Suck it,’ I said, pointing to my groin area. Jade stopped sharply and her breathing steadied. She was clearly taken aback.
‘Er, sure,’ she said, a little bemused.
I undid my jeans and took off my trousers and boxers in a flash.
‘Say hello to my little friend,’ I said, impersonating Al Pacino. ‘Well, big friend…’
Jade knelt down and took my cock in her hand. She started by licking the base of my penis, working her way upwards until she put me in her mouth. Sure enough, it was rock hard – whether that was down to the cuke or the predicament, I can’t be too sure.
I put my hands on her head and forced her into me, trying to push my cock further into the back of her throat. She gagged.
‘Ugh,’ she said, pulling back and wiping her mouth. ‘Steady on…’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘You don’t do deep throating?’
‘I think you’ve been watching too much porn, you naughty boy.’
Jade rose to her feet and unclipped her bra, pulling her top over her head and shoving me onto the bed.
We stripped each other off and shared a brief naked embrace. I kissed her breasts and ran my tongue along her torso, working my way downwards. I gently pulled down her knickers.
She was a lot hairier than the girls I’d been used to seeing on the internet. Still, this was a new experience for me, so I tried not to let it detract from my enjoyment.
I could sense the drugs I’d taken were making me feel a lot bolder.
After gazing up at her tits whilst munching on her pussy like a ghost gobbles up Pac-Man, I simply couldn’t stop myself from leaping up her body and clamping my dick between her bosoms and haphazardly attempting a titwank.
She looked surprised.
‘Erm, Callum, what the fuck are you doing?’
I stopped. ‘Sorry, just a titwank. You have amazing tits.’
‘Well, thanks, but tits aren’t for wanking. Come on, I’m so wet, let’s fuck.’
I was unable to say no to a proposition such as this. I reached out for a condom and quickly put it on my chap, clambering on top of Jade and slipping myself inside her. Considering this was my first time, this felt amazing, even with a condom on. It was so tight, just like clamping my member around a lukewarm hot water bottle made of jelly.
I pumped my dick inside her a few times, until her groans of pleasure distracted me and I almost felt myself cum. At that moment, something unthinkable happened – I burped.
The cuke I had eaten earlier had repeated on me. I burped the distinctly odorous stench of cucumber breath directly into Jade’s face. Thankfully, she just laughed.
I pulled out of her, looking deep into her eyes.
‘Can I do you from behind?’
She grinned sheepishy. ‘Sure, hun.’
Jade turned around; resting on her hands and knees, balancing herself on all fours on the mattress.
She raised her pale arse in the air, her snatch summoning me like a siren beckoning a sailor onto the rocks.
Jade’s right hand appeared from beneath her legs and grabbed my cock, guiding me into her.
I thrusted and felt the warm, wet pulp of her vaginal juices oozing around my penis. I let out an involuntary grunt.
It felt different from me being on top: better, tighter, more constricted, like nature’s tourniquet squeezing my very essence, tempting me to cum sooner that I wanted to.
Avoiding the almost immediate urge to ejaculate, I stared into space and tried to concentrate on the task at hand. I slid myself inwards, outwards, slowly at first, then faster, then slower again, depending on how strong the urge to cum got with each thrust.
What made it easier to stop myself cumming was the slightly off-putting smell of bum emanating from Jade’s arse crack. As horny as she was making me, the whole lovemaking experience was a little on the pongy side – almost as if she’d had sweaty knickers, or failed to wipe herself properly after her last toilet break.
Still, I shouldn’t complain. As first times go, this was incredible.
It was only when I felt my lips tingling that I knew something was going wrong.
I could feel the saliva in my mouth going dry.
Despite being inside her, Jade had sensed my enthusiasm was waning and looked at me from over her shoulder. She gasped.
‘Holy shit,’ she said, pulling away from me so my cock slid out of her. ‘What’s wrong with your face?’
‘Wot yoo meem?’ I garbed, seemingly unable to speak plain fucking English.
It was then I realized my lips had swollen and my tongue had inflated to triple size. I could feel my face and chest itching. I began to scratch myself and saw my hands and fingers had become blotchy and pink.
‘Your face…’ said Jade, ‘you look like the fucking hunchback of Notre Dame.’
I caught a glimpse of myself in my bedroom mirror
‘Whuh the fuuuh… thith ithnt normuhhl…’
I could see from Jade’s expression that she didn’t have a clue what was going on. The trouble was, I had lost the capacity to speak, so I couldn’t even explain myself.
‘Whaaayyyte ’erre…’ I said, jumping up off the bed, with my erection flapping around as I ran out of the bedroom.
I decided to run into the kitchen to grab the second cucumber from the carrier bag. I wasn’t even sure if the cuke had caused this reaction, but I thought I’d show it to Jade to try and explain what had happened.
I burst back into the bedroom clutching the cucumber. ‘Uggghhhhh,’ I groaned.
It backfired horribly. Jade wailed in sheer terror; it was obvious the sight of a man bursting into a bedroom brandishing a cucumber while her legs were still open had alarmed her.
‘Get the fuck away from me!’ she screamed. She scooped up her clothes and made a run for the door.
I tried to pursue her.
‘Nooohhhh, waith, ithhh nuuut wot yooooo fink,’ I said.
Still naked, I followed her. I made some more incomprehensible noises before I felt a little breathless and my eyesight grew hazy.
As I saw Jade make her way out of the front door, clasping her clothes to her naked chest to cover herself, I fell to my knees.
‘Whaaith, thith ith.. uhh..’ I collapsed to the floor with my enormous swollen face, my stiffy remaining aloft, in spite of all the chaos.
Helplessly, I saw the front door wide open as Jade ran out naked into the street. My head fell backwards onto the carpet with a thud and I felt my eyes roll back. Next thing I knew, my breathing grew shallower.
Everything went dark. So dark, I assumed I was dead.
They released me from hospital after a good few days, but even that wasn’t long enough to get over the embarrassment of being discovered by my parents lying spread-eagled on the floor, stark bollock naked.
The first thing I remember after the incident was waking up bleary-eyed and blinded by bright lights in an emergency ward.
A doctor was hovering over me with a look of concern on his face.
‘Wha – what happened?’ I said. ‘How did I get here?’
‘You passed out, Callum. You went into anaphylactic shock.
‘I checked your medical records – you’re lactose intolerant, correct?’
‘Well, it seems you had an allergic reaction to the cucumber you ate. Unbeknownst to you, in some instances, the wax coating on cucumber contains a protein called milk casein.’
‘What? Cucumbers contain milk?!’
‘Not quite, it’s a hidden protein – it’s within the edible wax we find in cucumbers. Milk casein can very rarely trigger adverse reactions in people who are extremely allergic to milk-based food products – I’m presuming that’s why your lips, mouth and throat swelled up. It also explains the rashes.’
‘But why did I pass out?’
‘That’s a little trickier to explain. Do you often eat cucumbers, Callum?’
‘Just as I thought. The swelling in your face and lips indicates you’re allergic to plant chemicals called salicylates. Cucumbers are very rich in salicylates, and in some cases this can cause wheezing, hives and – in worst case scenarios, such as yours – anaphylaxis.’
‘So I’m allergic to cucumber. Great.’
The doctor arched his eyebrow.
‘The drugs in your system wouldn’t have helped either.’
‘Oh… you know about that?’
‘We found traces of mephedrone and gamma-hydroxybutyric acid in your kitchen, so we ran a few blood tests while you were unconscious…’
‘What? I didn’t even know what they were, I swear…’
‘I am not here to judge. But there is a mixture of factors at play there which precipitated your loss of consciousness. I advise you to be more careful in the future. I’m sure you can explain yourself once you’ve had some rest.’
I slept for hours at a time, but later awoke stinking of stale piss and wringing with sweat, largely due to the mephedrone (otherwise known as meow meow) eeking out through my pores, or so I’m told. The smell clung onto me for days.
It wasn’t too long before my mother visited me in hospital.
‘Oh, Callum,’ my Mum said. ‘Why didn’t you just tell us?’
‘Why didn’t you tell us you were gay?’
‘Listen, your Dad and I think it’s wonderful. There’s no point denying it. The doctor told us the drugs you took – M-CAT and GHB – are apparently very popular at gay ‘chemsex’ parties. Is that why you wanted us to go out? So you could have some special time with your boyfriend?’
‘Mum,’ I implored. ‘I’m not gay, okay?’
‘Well, you shouldn’t feel the need to hide these things. Your Dad and I have a very open mind about this. It’s the 21st century – it’s unhealthy to keep these sexual feelings bottled up. We just want you to be responsible is all.’
I tried to explain, but in the end, I stopped arguing with her. Mum had convinced herself. But there was one thing she had failed to mention.
As I sat locked in my bedroom at home after being released from hospital, I couldn’t stop wondering whether I’d imagined the whole cucumber allergy thing or not. Was it all just a drug-induced fantasy? Was the doctor just a hallucination?
Eventually, I ventured through the house to search for the missing cucumber. I raided the fridge. I knelt down on the floor to see if it fell out of my hand and rolled under the furniture, or the tables.
Nope, still no sign.
I hunted high and low, rummaging throughout all the rooms in the house, but still I could not locate the missing cuke.
Then a horrifying thought stuck me.
There was one room I hadn’t checked – my parents’ bedroom.
After noticing the door slightly ajar, I gingerly pushed it open.
It was at that moment I saw it – a lone cucumber resting on my Mum and Dad’s bedside table next to a tube of KY jelly.
Such a ghastly vegetable.
© 2016 Luke Edley
Poet, humorous fiction writer and novelist. Fond of satire. Interested in comic novels, black comedy and tales of satirical derring-do.